Of quiet musing

Be the man I know you are and not the boy they want you to be.

I think staying home with this bad headache and fever that is just about to go down is giving me too much thought time.

I feel, wasted. All of a sudden, I feel like I've been given a terrific opportunity to be at university and I'm wasting it all by not living up to my potential. Reading through past transcrips and testimonials makes me realize that maybe I wasn't so bad, back then, when I really wasn't so bad. Haha. Being drunk on all this new found freedom has made me complacent and irreverent towards my books and notes.

There was this article on elitism quite some time back in the papers and a girl mentioned that being in a prestigious JC shattered her self-confidence and caused her to perform less well than was expected of her. I think I felt that way before. I mean, how could I possibly be smart when around me there were people who could, for example, score as many as eleven destinctions at his A-levels? Or people who could be both an OGL and a triple science student with three special papers. Then there I was, supposedly smart, yet struggling to cope and remain afloat amidst these really smart people.

How silly could I have been? Saying that's an insult to everyone who has ever worked hard for anything. And I see now that her mentioning that is simply a way of informing the world that she has a bad attitude - that she chose to let her surroundings define her.

There will always be people better than me, people prettier or more popular than me. That I can count on. But I can also count on the fact that I, am what I can count on. [Does that make sense?] Believing in myself is important. Pushing myself to fulfill my dreams for no one other than myself, to reap rewards simply because I want to is a more powerful force than if someone else wants me to. When I want to, I do better than when I have to. Self-motivation is a matter of choice.

Never be afraid of a challenge. Never be afraid to give it your all.

And the same experience can create two different types of people. Maybe instead of feeling lousy at college, I could have taken that as an indication for me to spur myself on to greater heights. I didn't and I'm fed up with maybe(s).

I've got this blood coursing through my veins and hell [or heaven?], I'm going to make things work this time around.

I think we just need some constant reminders to believe in ourselves. The next step would be to turn that belief, that faith, into action. It isn't going to be easy. But it's going to be for me. And that's more than enough reason to stick to it.